Excerpted from "The Darksider Chronicles Book One: The World on a String." Material is Copyrighted and may not be used without permission of the author.  

Screwover's Opening Remarks

Greetings, fellow Darksiders.  Welcome to our first award ceremony.   As most of you know, my name is Screwover.  I’m an Undersecretary at the Department of Infernal Affairs, American Division.  I have the honor of serving as your host for the first segment of the presentations this evening.

We gather tonight, July 15, 2002, Gregorian calendar, to celebrate our achievements over the past two millennia.  Some of you have asked why we opted for this venue since we accomplished most of our greatest triumphs in other parts of the world.  It’s simple.  Washington, D.C. is currently the epicenter of our Darksider universe.  Where all roads once led to Rome; all roads to ruin now unquestionably run through D.C.  We chose to hold the ceremony here to accommodate the majority of present-day winners who dare not stray from their puppets.  We simply cannot risk that one of our most strategically-placed devotees will go good.

As you know, we haven’t previously congregated for a congratulatory session to honor the cunning and perseverance exhibited by so many of you.  The purpose for holding the ceremony at this time is twofold.  First, we seek to recognize those whose exemplary deeds have significantly advanced our cause.  We’re especially delighted with the stunning gains of the last two years.  With victory within reach, our Dark Agenda Bureau, which you all know as DAB, thought approbation for outstanding service might add that little extra incentive to push us over the top . . . .
 
The second reason the Bureau chose to hold an awards ceremony now is to educate all of us Darksiders about the history and techniques behind the schemes that have so successfully propelled us into our present hegemony.  To this end, I will attempt to elicit background information from some of our most dastardly recipients.  DAB hopes they will lay out a blueprint for us all to emulate, perhaps even duplicate.  I can’t stress enough . . . with every single speaker this evening we’ll be trying to convey to you HOW we achieved our current domination.  It didn’t happen overnight . . . no accident . . . result of insidious scheming every step of the way . . . we’re talking centuries.

For you visitors and new recruits, a quick reminder about the Infernal Awards Committee’s criteria for bestowing prizes.  Remember, we Darksiders harbor no political agenda, instead our sole raison d’etre is to elicit the evil, the immoral, the destructive, the dishonorable, the unethical, the unjust path whenever our puppets face a choice. . . . infiltrate through religion . . . create the illusion that our agenda is God’s will . . . at the same time, we aim to thwart a true spiritual connection between humans and our Enemy, the Creator under any alias–All That Is, Allah, Buddha, Higher Power, God, Jehovah, Odin, Spirit, Supreme Being . . . The Universe, Vishnu, Yahweh, Zeus.  We’ve discovered that religion is the best way to force our unconscionable . . . people won’t torture, slaughter, enslave, hate, degrade, discriminate, and so on unless they’ve been brainwashed to believe it’s something God commands.  It’s one of the sad facts that humans are born with an innate sense of humanity, and the most effective way Darksiders have found to override such decency is . . . a “God said” directive.  Only those who firmly believe they’re God’s Chosen People can summon enough . . . superiority to feel it’s their righteous duty to inflict pain and misery on those who are different . . . “Them, The Other.”

We ask that you note how each of our award recipients excelled at keeping the Darksider mission in focus. They diligently followed . . . mantra: observe a situation, decide what course our Enemy promotes, determine the opposite of that and go for it. Oh, and never look back. . . . Tonight we’re celebrating our domination, and you’re here to learn how we lied, cheated, manipulated, murdered . . . our way up to this pinnacle of power.  Darksiders rule all.

AUDIENCE: [Sings] We got the whole world.  On a string.  We got the whole wide world.  On a string.  We got the whole world on a string. We got . . .



What's next?
Read excerpts from:
Gotrot, Head Archivist of the Dark Agenda Bureau (DAB), about privatization and why Darksiders love the American version.